(via dirtylittlestylewhore)
i live for this shit
I have this problem
I generally take people for what they are initially. If you say you do xyz I believe you. If you say you are going to do xyz I believe you. But more times than not they are not half of who they say they are.
It seems to me that the world is one giant, bad, fake add on Match.com. And I don’t mean to sound bitter or cynical. Because I am not. I will continue to believe everything you say you are until you fail me again.
I am who I am and 9 times out of 10 I never fail anyone.
And when I do I apologize and move on.
Just like when other people lie or whatever to me I just move on. There
I need to start writing again
I said before that i had a tumblr that i used to write on and vent about my piece of shit ex-husband. That is true.
Here is more. I started dating someone 2 weeks after I kicked him out last March. He wanted to get married. I did not want to marry him. I met D is January. I fell for him. He was the 2nd person I dated after my divorce. I dated around w/ the other behind the first guy’s back. This one was different though. He pursued me. Within 3 weeks of knowing me he was talking marriage. I totally fell for it. Despite my having sworn off academics. My first husband I had helped put thru graduate school and post-doc. He cheated on me with a student.
D is a close friend of mine’s brother in law. She had wanted me to meet him for at least 6 months. Even before I was truly divorced. I finally met him and it was immediate. I wanted to be with him and him with me. I remember him asking me on his SIL’S patio “when do you want to get married?” I remember saying we need to talk about things. I explained multiple times about some (8k) in credit card debt i have left from my marriage. I was ALWAYS truthful.
Then history repeated itself.
I got pregnant. I was in between doctors appointments and was without birth control. I told him. I bought condoms. He refused to use them. I stupidly went along with it. Total pullout method. I ended up pregnant. At my age. At 31. I was knocked up. And I really thought it would be ok.
When I got married the first time I walked down the aisle pregnant. My ex-husband did not want the baby. I had been on that ring form of bc and it kept popping out. And then I was pregnant. So 2 weeks after I got back from my honeymoon I had an abortion. Something I did not want. But I had too. And thank God I did. My ex-husband would have been a horrible father. And then I would have been tied to him forever.
I told D I was pregnant. His own brother thought he had done it on purpose. I thought he had done it on purpose. Two weeks after I told him I walked into his house and his whole demeanor had changed. He told me he did not want to marry me anymore. He told me that if I had it he would support it. He told me that when he gets married he is looking for someone to better his situation.
The thing is/was that I was unemployed. Never been unemployed. I had been working for my family’s company for years. When the economy tanked our industry tanked. My Mom was sick of it and decided to shut it down. This is after 30 years in business. I had worked my ass off for my family. We did millions of dollars in business a year and I had nothing to show for it but debt. I had been paid 6 figures a year because of how much work I brought in. Not just because I was family. And all I had was debt.
I will be honest, my time with my ex-husband included a lot of drug and alcohol abuse. Most of the time I was not in my right mind. But somehow I always got i done and then some. Right down to being a Junior League member.
So D is sitting there telling me he doesn’t want to marry me, doesn’t want the baby, nothing. Unless I get a job. I said if I get a job will it all be ok again. Yes was the response. I had an interview the following Wednesday. Turns out I beat out 10 other candidates for a really great territory rep job in his city. (see I was already moving to be with him. I was supposed to move in with him when my lease was up.) But the weekend before it was all different. There is more to this but I can’t totally remember it right now.
Honestly, I consider it all an excuse. He told me he was not there to rescue me. I was like you obviously have no idea who I am and are a selfish prick because I am the definitely not asking for a rescue. He said i don’t make tons of money. I said I am fully aware of that. If I were a gold digger I would be down at the St. Regis picking up men with one of my friends and not hanging out with you. I want you for you.
So I got the job and nothing changed. And I had to have an abortion. Of a baby I REALLY wanted. But I am by myself. My Mom does not have tons of money coming in anymore to help me. I would be completely on my own. I told him he really should not have kids because they cost money and time and those are not things that he can seem to part with.
I moved to the new town a day ago. I broke up for real with him last night. He said “I don’t know what I want.”
Then don’t tell girls you want to marry them and take them to Tiffany’s to look at rings. Don’t go to Lowe’s to plan the patio we were going to put in. Don’t do any of that. Figure out what you want at 39 years old.
It amazes me how guys have no balls and no backbone anymore. It amazes me how people can not roll with the punches. D can not handle stress. PERIOD.
I hate the position I am in. All I ever wanted was to get married and have a life. Instead, I have to make it all happen for me and for others. I have to clean up other peoples messes yet i am the one who feels the emotional and mental repercussions.
They always say what does not kill us makes us stronger. Well, sometimes I am just about done. It’s why I fight off alcoholism. It is why it is all I can do to not do drugs.
I got my life together, but other people keep raining on my parade. And I KNOW that is life, but I just catch a break? Anytime?
I’ve decided I need to do something worthwhile with my life
So that when I die, people actually give a shit.
9 By Design is my new favorite show.
AGREEEEEEEEEED. Bravo, what is the magic pill you take to get into my mind and deliver such amazing programming?
What I’m planning to eat for dinner at the freeeeee event I’m attending at my volunteer organization.
(photo via)
One of my fav things to eat. ever.
MAY 11th 2010
yep. probably going to buy this.
viakissingstars:experiencethewarmth:stellark:memoriestokeep:catprism:dammitdaria:moham
